At holiday parties, 'no thanks' is an acceptable answer

Addiction and recovery

By Bob Gaydos

It’s time for my annual here-come-the-holidays-so-let’s-be-smart-while-we-enjoy-ourselves column  for addicts and their friends and families.

Over the years of writing this column I’ve learned that being brief is important because there’s simply too much for people to do at this time of year to sit and read an article about healthy behavior. Also, that non-addicts as well as addicts can benefit from knowing some basic rules for surviving holiday festivities. If much of what follows sounds familiar, it’s because I’ve said it before and, I think, bears repeating.

This is a treacherous time of year for people in early recovery from addiction. People who have found their way to recovery, be it via a 12-step program or otherwise, have been given suggestions on how to survive the season of temptation without relapse. If they use these tools, with practice, they can even enjoy the season.

But I’m also talking here to you hosts, family members, well-meaning friends who want to be supportive and do the right thing, but aren’t sure what that is. And yes, to those who don’t understand the concept of addiction but can still avoid harming a relationship by following a few basic suggestions. So, first, some holiday coping tools for the non-addicted:

• “No thank you” is a complete sentence and perfectly acceptable answer. It should not require any further explanation. “One drink won’t hurt you” is a dangerously ill-informed reply. The same goes for, “A few butter cookies won’t hurt. C’mon, it’s Christmas.” Or, “Get the dress. Put it on your credit card. You’ll feel better.” Not really.
• By the way, “No thank you” is an acceptable answer even for people not in recovery. Not everyone who turns down a second helping of stuffing or a piece of pumpkin pie is a member of Overeaters Anonymous. Not everyone who prefers a ginger ale rather than a beer is a member of AA. Not everyone who won’t go into hock for an expensive New Year’s Eve party is a compulsive debtor. But some of them may be.
• If you’re hosting a party to which people in recovery have been invited, have some non-alcoholic beverages available. Not just water. Don’t make a big deal about having them, just let your guests know they are available. The same goes for food. Have some appetizing, low-calorie dishes and healthful desserts on hand. Don’t point out that they’re there because so-and-so is watching his weight. Just serve them. You’ll be surprised how many guests enjoy them and comment on what a good host you are.
• If you’re honestly concerned about how the person in recovery is doing, approach him or her privately. He or she might not feel comfortable discussing it in front of other guests. If you’re just curious, keep it to yourself.
• Honoring a guest’s wishes is a sign of respect. Anticipating them in advance is even better. Encouraging someone to eat, drink or spend money when they don’t want to is, at the very least, not gracious. Pressuring someone to partake of something when you know he or she is trying hard to avoid it is a good way to lose a friend.
• Addictions are not trivial matters. I repeat, “No, thank you,” is a perfectly good answer. Members of AA, OA and DA will be especially appreciative if you remember that.

For recovering addicts, the tools should be familiar, but always bear repeating:

• Bring a recovery friend to a party.
• Have phone numbers and your own transportation available if you want to leave an uncomfortable situation.
• If you’re uncomfortable about attending a party because of who will be there, be it family or friends who are not supportive, don’t go. Politely decline.
• Keep track of your drink. If you’re not sure, get a new one.
• Deal in cash; forget about credit cards.
• Don’t feel obliged to try every dish on the table.
• And, again, “No, thank you,” is a complete sentence. Don’t worry about hurting your host’s feelings at the expense of your recovery. There’s always next year.

Enjoy.

*  *  *

For more information:

Debtors Anonymous: www.debtorsanonymous.org

Alcoholics Anonymous: www.aa.org

Overeaters Anonymous: www.oa.org

Al-Anon: www.al-anon.org

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Overeating can be addictive

Addiction and recovery

By Bob Gaydos

Are you a compulsive overeater?

` It’s not a question most people want to ask themselves, but given the virtual epidemic of obesity in this country as well as the prevalence of eating disorders, it’s a question more people should be considering. Food may be necessary for survival, but the manner and amount in which it is consumed can become dangerously addictive.

As with other addictions, there are a variety of groups and approaches available to try to change the behavior. Also, as with all addictions, the solution begins with recognizing the problem. A self-assessment test is a good way to start. The following is one used by Overeaters Anonymous. It is not the only test available on compulsive eating, but it will definitely let you know if you have a problem.

As always, of course, be honest or this is a big waste of time and possibly hazardous to your health.

OA’s Fifteen Questions

1. Do I eat when I’m not hungry, or not eat when my body needs nourishment? Yes No
2. Do I go on eating binges for no apparent reason, sometimes eating until I’m stuffed or even feel sick? Yes No
3. Do I have feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment about my weight or the way I eat? Yes No
4. Do I eat sensibly in front of others and then make up for it when I am alone? Yes No
5. Is my eating affecting my health or the way I live my life? Yes No
6. When my emotions are intense — whether positive or negative — do I find myself reaching for food? Yes No
7. Do my eating behaviors make me or others unhappy? Yes No
8. Have I ever used laxatives, vomiting, diuretics, excessive exercise, diet pills, shots or other medical interventions (including surgery) to try to control my weight? Yes No
9. Do I fast or severely restrict my food intake to control my weight? Yes No
10. Do I fantasize about how much better life would be if I were a different size or weight? Yes No
11. Do I need to chew or have something in my mouth all the time: food, gum, mints, candies or beverages? Yes No
12. Have I ever eaten food that is burned, frozen or spoiled; from containers in the grocery store; or out of the garbage? Yes No

    13.  Are there certain foods I can’t stop eating after having the first bite? Yes No

     14. Have I lost weight with a diet or “period of control” only to be followed by bouts of uncontrolled eating and/or weight gain? Yes No

     15. Do I spend too much time thinking about food, arguing with myself about whether or what to eat, planning the next diet or exercise cure, or counting calories? Yes No

If you answered yes to several questions, OA says it is possible you have or “are well on your way to having, a compulsive eating or overeating problem.”

If you choose to try OA, you should know that it is based on abstinence and is a 12-step program of spiritual recovery. It does not provide diets or weight-loss plans.  The so-called “GreySheet,” with its recommended daily meals, is no longer part of the OA program, having been eliminated decades ago, as have other diet plans. OA’s web site states: “For weight loss, any medically approved eating plan is acceptable. OA members interested in learning about nutrition or who seek professional advice are encouraged to consult qualified professionals.”

There are, however, some Greysheeters Anonymous groups active, which also follow the 12-step model and still use the diet plan. In addition, Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous offers a 20-question assessment, which is available online. There is also a 12-step group called Food Addicts Anonymous and others based on the 12-step model. Each has a slightly different focus on dealing with food addiction. If there are no convenient face-to-face meetings for some of the groups, they all have phone and online meetings available and all are anonymous. (It should also be noted that alcoholism and other substance abuse disorders are more common among persons with food addictions than among the general population.)

Of course, none of these groups is a substitute for professional medical care, counseling or dietary advice, which are necessary to deal with serious eating disorders. The groups do provide a source of support and sense of purpose, however, and a relief from the shame and stigma that often accompany efforts to recover from compulsive overeating.                                                                                                                                                                       

They also avoid the risk of isolation, a threat to recovery from all addictions. If you're taking this test, know this: You're not alone; help is available.

For help

-- www.oa.org

-- www.greysheet.org

-- www.foodaddicts.org

-- www.foodaddictsanonymous.org

-- www.recoveryfromfoodaddiction.org

-- www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org

FYI

Binge-eating disorder is characterized by recurrent binge-eating episodes during which a person feels a loss of control over his or her eating. Unlike bulimia, binge-eating episodes are not followed by purging, excessive exercise or fasting. As a result, people with binge-eating disorder often are overweight or obese. They also experience guilt, shame and/or distress about the binge-eating, which can lead to more binge-eating. The average age of onset is 25 years old.

-- National Institute of Mental Health

www.nimh.nih.gov

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'No, thank you' is an acceptable answer on holidays, especially for those with addictions

(My latest Addiction and Recovery column.)

By Bob Gaydos
 

  The rare confluence of Thanksgiving and Hannukah ushers in the holiday season this year, a season that also presents a trifecta of challenges for people dealing with addictions. Eat, drink and be merry may sound like a positive message, but to members of Overeaters Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous or Debtors Anonymous, it can be a warning cry: Beware, it’s a long way to Jan. 2, 2014.
  Even people without addictions find it difficult to avoid imbibing, eating or spending to excess during this time because, well, society virtually demands it. It’s almost sacrilege to turn down a drink, politely refuse a tin of cookies or keep a credit card firmly tucked away in one’s wallet during this time. And yet, for someone with a problem with alcohol, food or uncontrolled spending -- or some combination of them -- it is essential to maintaining a sense of sanity.
  Fortunately, people prone to addictive behavior who have managed to find their way to one or more of these 12-Step programs and are serious about recovery have a variety of “tools” available to them. With practice, these tools can help them navigate stressful situations that can trigger old behaviors. Meetings, program literature and sponsors and friends who have recovery experience to share are all useful and easily accessible sources of healthy behavior.
  For example: Bring a recovery friend to a party. Have your own transportation available if you want to leave an uncomfortable situation. Keep  track of your drink. Deal in cash; forget about credit cards. Don’t feel obliged to try every dish on the table.
  And: “No, thank you,” is a complete sentence and a wholly acceptable answer to any offer of food, drink or opportunity to acquire something really special without actually spending any of your own money.
  That “No, thank you,” can be a tricky thing for the non-addicted as well as the addicted. If anything, it’s exaggerated during the holidays. A recovering alcoholic attending a party at which alcohol is served may be aware of the several ways to protect his or her sobriety, but, especially for those new in recovery, societal pressure -- “C’mon, you can have one. It’s Christmas!” -- can be hard to resist.
  The problem is that, while people in recovery may have learned that “No, thank you” is an acceptable answer (without further explanation necessary), a lot of of the rest of the world hasn’t gotten the message. This column, then, is a diversion from the usual. It’s really aimed at the people offering the food, drink or time-share opportunity available with the swipe of a credit card.
  Obviously, not everyone who turns down a second helping of stuffing or a piece of pumpkin pie is a member of Overeaters Anonymous. Not everyone who prefers a ginger ale rather than a beer is a member of AA. Not everyone who won’t go into hock for a swanky New Year’s Eve party is a compulsive debtor. But some of them may be.
  Dare to say, it would be a healthy change if, as a society, we could recalibrate our behavior during the holiday season from one of conspicuous indulgence to one of modified merriment. I’m not holding my breath on that. However, it doesn’t seem to be too much to ask that we not expect others to share our views on how much turkey must be eaten, how much wine must be drunk for a party to be a success.
  So, some “tools” for holiday hosts: Honoring a guest’s wishes is a sign of respect. Anticipating them in advance is even better. Encouraging someone to eat, drink or spend money when they don’t want to is, at the very least, not gracious. Pressuring someone to partake of something when you know he or she is trying hard to avoid it is a good way to lose a friend. Addictions are not trivial matters. “No, thank you,” is a perfectly good answer.
  Members of AA, OA and DA will be especially appreciative if you remember that.

*  *  *

For more information:

Debtors Anonymous: www.debtorsanonymous.org; 781-453-2743.
Alcoholics Anonymous: www.aa.org
Overeaters Anonymous: www.oa.org

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