At holiday parties, 'no thanks' is an acceptable answer

Addiction and recovery

By Bob Gaydos

It’s time for my annual here-come-the-holidays-so-let’s-be-smart-while-we-enjoy-ourselves column  for addicts and their friends and families.

Over the years of writing this column I’ve learned that being brief is important because there’s simply too much for people to do at this time of year to sit and read an article about healthy behavior. Also, that non-addicts as well as addicts can benefit from knowing some basic rules for surviving holiday festivities. If much of what follows sounds familiar, it’s because I’ve said it before and, I think, bears repeating.

This is a treacherous time of year for people in early recovery from addiction. People who have found their way to recovery, be it via a 12-step program or otherwise, have been given suggestions on how to survive the season of temptation without relapse. If they use these tools, with practice, they can even enjoy the season.

But I’m also talking here to you hosts, family members, well-meaning friends who want to be supportive and do the right thing, but aren’t sure what that is. And yes, to those who don’t understand the concept of addiction but can still avoid harming a relationship by following a few basic suggestions. So, first, some holiday coping tools for the non-addicted:

• “No thank you” is a complete sentence and perfectly acceptable answer. It should not require any further explanation. “One drink won’t hurt you” is a dangerously ill-informed reply. The same goes for, “A few butter cookies won’t hurt. C’mon, it’s Christmas.” Or, “Get the dress. Put it on your credit card. You’ll feel better.” Not really.
• By the way, “No thank you” is an acceptable answer even for people not in recovery. Not everyone who turns down a second helping of stuffing or a piece of pumpkin pie is a member of Overeaters Anonymous. Not everyone who prefers a ginger ale rather than a beer is a member of AA. Not everyone who won’t go into hock for an expensive New Year’s Eve party is a compulsive debtor. But some of them may be.
• If you’re hosting a party to which people in recovery have been invited, have some non-alcoholic beverages available. Not just water. Don’t make a big deal about having them, just let your guests know they are available. The same goes for food. Have some appetizing, low-calorie dishes and healthful desserts on hand. Don’t point out that they’re there because so-and-so is watching his weight. Just serve them. You’ll be surprised how many guests enjoy them and comment on what a good host you are.
• If you’re honestly concerned about how the person in recovery is doing, approach him or her privately. He or she might not feel comfortable discussing it in front of other guests. If you’re just curious, keep it to yourself.
• Honoring a guest’s wishes is a sign of respect. Anticipating them in advance is even better. Encouraging someone to eat, drink or spend money when they don’t want to is, at the very least, not gracious. Pressuring someone to partake of something when you know he or she is trying hard to avoid it is a good way to lose a friend.
• Addictions are not trivial matters. I repeat, “No, thank you,” is a perfectly good answer. Members of AA, OA and DA will be especially appreciative if you remember that.

For recovering addicts, the tools should be familiar, but always bear repeating:

• Bring a recovery friend to a party.
• Have phone numbers and your own transportation available if you want to leave an uncomfortable situation.
• If you’re uncomfortable about attending a party because of who will be there, be it family or friends who are not supportive, don’t go. Politely decline.
• Keep track of your drink. If you’re not sure, get a new one.
• Deal in cash; forget about credit cards.
• Don’t feel obliged to try every dish on the table.
• And, again, “No, thank you,” is a complete sentence. Don’t worry about hurting your host’s feelings at the expense of your recovery. There’s always next year.

Enjoy.

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For more information:

Debtors Anonymous: www.debtorsanonymous.org

Alcoholics Anonymous: www.aa.org

Overeaters Anonymous: www.oa.org

Al-Anon: www.al-anon.org

bobgaydos.blogspot.com

Are you addicted to debt?

My latest Addiction and Recovery column.

By Bob Gaydos

The holiday season, with its drumbeat of eat, drink and be merry, holds special challenges for people with addictive tendencies. For some, it’s more like overeat, drink ‘til you’re drunk or spend like you really have the money. Recovery from the less-publicized third leg of that addictive triangle -- compulsive debting -- is the purpose of Debtor’s Anonymous, a 12-step program based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous.

A society whose economy is dependent on people borrowing money -- to have the perfect house, the right car, a college education, the newest electronic gadget, lots of gifts under the tree -- is rife with opportunities for some people to borrow money even though they have no means to pay it back. According to Debtor’s Anonymous, “Unsecured debt, which is debt not secured by some form of collateral such as a house or car, becomes an addictive and unmanageable part of their lives. Debting is more than just sensationalized shopping. It can cripple and ruin someone’s life. Debt is like alcohol for the alcoholic, food for the compulsive eater, and gambling for the compulsive gambler.”

If you’re wondering whether your debt is something out of the ordinary, DA offers 15 questions to help you decide:

1. Are your debts making your home life unhappy?

2. Does the pressure of your debts distract you from your daily work?

3. Are your debts affecting your reputation?

4. Do your debts cause you to think less of yourself?

5. Have you ever given false information in order to obtain credit?

6. Have you ever made unrealistic promises to your creditors?

7. Does the pressure of your debts make you careless of the welfare of your family?

8. Do you ever fear that your employer, family or friends will learn the extent of your total indebtedness?

9. When faced with a difficult financial situation, does the prospect of borrowing give you an inordinate feeling of relief?

10. Does the pressure of your debts cause you to have difficulty  sleeping?

11. Has the pressure of your debts ever caused you to consider getting drunk?

12. Have you ever borrowed money without giving adequate consideration to the rate of interest you are required to pay?

13. Do you usually expect a negative response when you are subject to a credit investigation?

14. Have you ever developed a strict regimen for paying off your debts, only to break it under pressure?

15. Do you justify your debts by telling yourself that you are superior to the "other" people, and when you get your "break" you'll be out of debt overnight?

If you answered yes to eight or more of these questions, DA says chances are that you have a problem with compulsive debt, or “are well on your way to having one.”

The good news is, Debtors Anonymous offers hope and help from people who have been there and have learned to deal with the addiction. The suggested approach for a beginner is to record your income and expenses for 30 to 45 days, attend at least six meetings, and make a commitment to the D.A. philosophy.

It is then suggested that you meet with two recovering members of D.A. (usually a man and a woman) in what is called a Pressure Relief Meeting. The goal of the meeting is to review your situation and formulate a spending plan and an action plan. And then, one step at a time, to lessen the chaos, drama, compulsive shopping, frequent borrowing, embarrassment, overwork, and deprivation from your life. Contacting DA could be the best gift of all for the holidays.

In the mid-Hudson, the DA website lists meetings in, among other places, Chester, Kingston, Woodstock and Rhinebeck. There are also telephone and online meetings. For more detailed meeting information, go to the website and use the find-a-meeting tool: http://www.debtorsanonymous.org.

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Also:

-- http://www.empirestate.org (serving the Hudson Valley and Catskills region)

-- Debtors Anonymous General Service Office

Toll Free: 800-421-2383

PO Box 920888

Needham, MA 02492-0009

e-mail: office@debtorsanonymous.org

'No, thank you' is an acceptable answer on holidays, especially for those with addictions

(My latest Addiction and Recovery column.)

By Bob Gaydos
 

  The rare confluence of Thanksgiving and Hannukah ushers in the holiday season this year, a season that also presents a trifecta of challenges for people dealing with addictions. Eat, drink and be merry may sound like a positive message, but to members of Overeaters Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous or Debtors Anonymous, it can be a warning cry: Beware, it’s a long way to Jan. 2, 2014.
  Even people without addictions find it difficult to avoid imbibing, eating or spending to excess during this time because, well, society virtually demands it. It’s almost sacrilege to turn down a drink, politely refuse a tin of cookies or keep a credit card firmly tucked away in one’s wallet during this time. And yet, for someone with a problem with alcohol, food or uncontrolled spending -- or some combination of them -- it is essential to maintaining a sense of sanity.
  Fortunately, people prone to addictive behavior who have managed to find their way to one or more of these 12-Step programs and are serious about recovery have a variety of “tools” available to them. With practice, these tools can help them navigate stressful situations that can trigger old behaviors. Meetings, program literature and sponsors and friends who have recovery experience to share are all useful and easily accessible sources of healthy behavior.
  For example: Bring a recovery friend to a party. Have your own transportation available if you want to leave an uncomfortable situation. Keep  track of your drink. Deal in cash; forget about credit cards. Don’t feel obliged to try every dish on the table.
  And: “No, thank you,” is a complete sentence and a wholly acceptable answer to any offer of food, drink or opportunity to acquire something really special without actually spending any of your own money.
  That “No, thank you,” can be a tricky thing for the non-addicted as well as the addicted. If anything, it’s exaggerated during the holidays. A recovering alcoholic attending a party at which alcohol is served may be aware of the several ways to protect his or her sobriety, but, especially for those new in recovery, societal pressure -- “C’mon, you can have one. It’s Christmas!” -- can be hard to resist.
  The problem is that, while people in recovery may have learned that “No, thank you” is an acceptable answer (without further explanation necessary), a lot of of the rest of the world hasn’t gotten the message. This column, then, is a diversion from the usual. It’s really aimed at the people offering the food, drink or time-share opportunity available with the swipe of a credit card.
  Obviously, not everyone who turns down a second helping of stuffing or a piece of pumpkin pie is a member of Overeaters Anonymous. Not everyone who prefers a ginger ale rather than a beer is a member of AA. Not everyone who won’t go into hock for a swanky New Year’s Eve party is a compulsive debtor. But some of them may be.
  Dare to say, it would be a healthy change if, as a society, we could recalibrate our behavior during the holiday season from one of conspicuous indulgence to one of modified merriment. I’m not holding my breath on that. However, it doesn’t seem to be too much to ask that we not expect others to share our views on how much turkey must be eaten, how much wine must be drunk for a party to be a success.
  So, some “tools” for holiday hosts: Honoring a guest’s wishes is a sign of respect. Anticipating them in advance is even better. Encouraging someone to eat, drink or spend money when they don’t want to is, at the very least, not gracious. Pressuring someone to partake of something when you know he or she is trying hard to avoid it is a good way to lose a friend. Addictions are not trivial matters. “No, thank you,” is a perfectly good answer.
  Members of AA, OA and DA will be especially appreciative if you remember that.

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For more information:

Debtors Anonymous: www.debtorsanonymous.org; 781-453-2743.
Alcoholics Anonymous: www.aa.org
Overeaters Anonymous: www.oa.org

bobgaydos.blogspot.com