At holiday parties, 'no thanks' is an acceptable answer

Addiction and recovery

By Bob Gaydos

It’s time for my annual here-come-the-holidays-so-let’s-be-smart-while-we-enjoy-ourselves column  for addicts and their friends and families.

Over the years of writing this column I’ve learned that being brief is important because there’s simply too much for people to do at this time of year to sit and read an article about healthy behavior. Also, that non-addicts as well as addicts can benefit from knowing some basic rules for surviving holiday festivities. If much of what follows sounds familiar, it’s because I’ve said it before and, I think, bears repeating.

This is a treacherous time of year for people in early recovery from addiction. People who have found their way to recovery, be it via a 12-step program or otherwise, have been given suggestions on how to survive the season of temptation without relapse. If they use these tools, with practice, they can even enjoy the season.

But I’m also talking here to you hosts, family members, well-meaning friends who want to be supportive and do the right thing, but aren’t sure what that is. And yes, to those who don’t understand the concept of addiction but can still avoid harming a relationship by following a few basic suggestions. So, first, some holiday coping tools for the non-addicted:

• “No thank you” is a complete sentence and perfectly acceptable answer. It should not require any further explanation. “One drink won’t hurt you” is a dangerously ill-informed reply. The same goes for, “A few butter cookies won’t hurt. C’mon, it’s Christmas.” Or, “Get the dress. Put it on your credit card. You’ll feel better.” Not really.
• By the way, “No thank you” is an acceptable answer even for people not in recovery. Not everyone who turns down a second helping of stuffing or a piece of pumpkin pie is a member of Overeaters Anonymous. Not everyone who prefers a ginger ale rather than a beer is a member of AA. Not everyone who won’t go into hock for an expensive New Year’s Eve party is a compulsive debtor. But some of them may be.
• If you’re hosting a party to which people in recovery have been invited, have some non-alcoholic beverages available. Not just water. Don’t make a big deal about having them, just let your guests know they are available. The same goes for food. Have some appetizing, low-calorie dishes and healthful desserts on hand. Don’t point out that they’re there because so-and-so is watching his weight. Just serve them. You’ll be surprised how many guests enjoy them and comment on what a good host you are.
• If you’re honestly concerned about how the person in recovery is doing, approach him or her privately. He or she might not feel comfortable discussing it in front of other guests. If you’re just curious, keep it to yourself.
• Honoring a guest’s wishes is a sign of respect. Anticipating them in advance is even better. Encouraging someone to eat, drink or spend money when they don’t want to is, at the very least, not gracious. Pressuring someone to partake of something when you know he or she is trying hard to avoid it is a good way to lose a friend.
• Addictions are not trivial matters. I repeat, “No, thank you,” is a perfectly good answer. Members of AA, OA and DA will be especially appreciative if you remember that.

For recovering addicts, the tools should be familiar, but always bear repeating:

• Bring a recovery friend to a party.
• Have phone numbers and your own transportation available if you want to leave an uncomfortable situation.
• If you’re uncomfortable about attending a party because of who will be there, be it family or friends who are not supportive, don’t go. Politely decline.
• Keep track of your drink. If you’re not sure, get a new one.
• Deal in cash; forget about credit cards.
• Don’t feel obliged to try every dish on the table.
• And, again, “No, thank you,” is a complete sentence. Don’t worry about hurting your host’s feelings at the expense of your recovery. There’s always next year.

Enjoy.

*  *  *

For more information:

Debtors Anonymous: www.debtorsanonymous.org

Alcoholics Anonymous: www.aa.org

Overeaters Anonymous: www.oa.org

Al-Anon: www.al-anon.org

bobgaydos.blogspot.com

How to survive family holiday gatherings

(My latest Addiction and Recovery column in the Times-Herald Record.)

By Bob Gaydos
Family get-togethers are popular during the holiday season, but they can be hazardous, even explosive, events when alcohol is involved, as is often the case. Sometimes, in the interests of self-preservation, it may well be best to avoid them.
Still, if one must attend, there are ways to survive a family gathering, for drinkers and non-drinkers alike. The definition of survival, of course, depends on the individual point of view. In some cases, not everyone will be happy with the end result, but if survival is the goal, minor disappointment should be a mere inconvenience.
A lot depends on the makeup of the gathering. There may be “problem” drinkers -- people with all the traits of active alcoholics and the denial to match. They’re the ones who make these occasions memorable for all the wrong reasons. There may be alcoholics in various stages of recovery, trying to have a good time without jeopardizing their sobriety. There may be well-meaning relatives who don’t understand recovery and who insist on encouraging the recovering alcoholic to “have just one.” There may be well-meaning relatives who want to protect the recovering alcoholic by protecting him or her from taking care of him or herself. And there may be people who try to protect the “problem” drinker from him or herself by closely monitoring behavior and the number of drinks -- usually a good way to start an argument.
Success in all these circumstances starts with expectations -- realistic ones. Expecting that things will be different than in the past just because you‘d like them to be is most likely not realistic.
Starting with the problem drinker, expectations of a certain type of behavior need to be spelled out in advance of the gathering, with clear boundaries spelled out. If he or she can’t live up to the ground rules and decides not to attend, that may be in the best interest of all concerned, even though it may be disappointing for some. It may be better to get together at another, less stressful, time. On the other hand, if the drinker is amenable to the ground rules, it may be a good time to get together quietly and discuss the problem. Whatever course of action is taken, it must start with realistic expectations.
For alcoholics in recovery, families often are tentative and over-protective, even to the point of not serving alcohol. This is unnecessary, unfair to other family members, and may even be self-defeating, putting a spotlight on the recovering alcoholic. The safer approach is to avoid serving foods cooked with alcohol (or letting the person in recovery know about them), serving festive, non-alcoholic drinks, not just soda and water, as alternatives to alcohol, and not making a big deal about his or her not drinking.
It is up to the recovering alcoholic to do the rest -- to come with tools to cope with any uncomfortability. That means non-alcoholic drinks, a sober friend, a car, a cell phone with numbers of sober friends, a pre-planned reason to leave early (before the alcohol takes effect on others), and a lack of guilt for using any of them. The person in recovery will also have to be prepared to deal with family members who are uncomfortable around him because he makes them think about their own drinking problem or others who may want to voice a grievance over past behavior by the recovering person. Again, being prepared with tools for an efficient getaway may be the best approach for the recovering alcoholic, especially one new to recovery.
By the way, these tools can also be used by non-drinkers who are not in recovery but can’t stand a house full of drunken relatives.
And finally, for the person in early recovery, the most realistic approach may be to avoid a family holiday gathering this year. There will be others and they will be more enjoyable with more recovery. In this case, it may be more important, and healthier, to spend time with sober friends and to focus on being grateful for the gift of sobriety.

  bobgaydos.blogspot.com