'Daddy's an idiot, but we love him'

By Bob Gaydos

Donald Trump and his family.

“Daddy, to be honest, is an idiot. A lying SOB, too. A nasty drunk. As long as you praise him, he’s all smiles and charm. Disagree with him and he’s a bully, or worse. He likes to act like a big shot -- ‘I’m the smartest guy at the office ...,’ ‘the fastest runner …,’ ‘no one knows as much as me …’ ‘I really showed them …’ Yes, he’s somehow always late paying the bills, if he pays them at all, and he seems to owe a lot of people money. He’s not around much lately -- busy I guess -- but when he is he’s always telling us about how great it’s gonna be when we: a) get a bigger house; b) buy a new car; c) go on vacation; d) move away from this lousy neighborhood.

“We’re still waiting, but we know he’ll figure it out eventually because he’s Daddy and he said so. We love him.”

Welcome to another day in the life of a typical American family locked in the grip of massive dysfunction bordering on delusion. Actually, maybe they’ve already gone across the border.

Of course I’m talking about Trump. You know I’m talking about Trump. The only ones who don’t know I’m talking about Trump are members of the aforementioned family. The delusionals. They stuck with him before and they’re sticking with him now. He’s family. They’re stuck with each other. Hey, nobody’s perfect. “We gotta stick together or they’re gonna take away our jobs. Then our schools. Then our church. Then our kids. Then our guns. Then what’ll we do?”

“Don’t worry. Daddy will know.”

(But remember? Daddy’s an idiot.)

How do you survive in life when all your tools -- morals, knowledge, social skills, sense of self, pride, compassion, ethics, economics, tolerance, honor, curiosity, courage, ambition, faith -- have been conceived, nurtured and twisted in such a fashion that, although you know instinctively that up is not down, you agree with the head of the family anyway when he says otherwise and you defend him vigorously when others says he’s an idiot? To do otherwise, after all, is to admit your significant shortcomings in those areas and to invite the shame and ridicule you imagine you’ll receive for not recognizing reality. For not kicking Daddy out or leaving yourself.

That’s life with an abusive (often alcoholic) parent. Donald Trump’s America. The drug of choice in this case is applause, not alcohol, but the behavior is the same. Me, me, me. Predictably unpredictable. Trump’s diehard supporters are stuck with each other and with him -- one, big, dysfunctional family, lies and betrayals notwithstanding. Indeed, to question Daddy is disloyal, to leave, a betrayal. And where would you go anyway? It is, after all, a scary world out there. Daddy said so. Many times.

Breaking away from any such family is no easy task. It’s who you are, after all, isn’t it? You and your brothers and sisters and cousins and aunts and uncles and … Heck, it’s like daddy told you -- it’s your brand. “Us against the world.”

Breaking away from the family of Trump -- acknowledging that he is a fraud, rejecting the brand -- would take enormous courage. First of all, it would mean admitting you have been wrong all this time to have placed your trust in a man with no moral compass, no sense of duty, no trace of compassion for the less fortunate, no regard for the truth and a total lack of interest in anything that does not feed his ego. (Get him a beer!) To admit that, one would have to be a fool, right?

Secondly, it would mean learning an entirely new set of life skills and placing your trust in people who believe pretty much the opposite of everything Daddy has told you. Talk about scary. Besides, how can you be sure those people aren’t lying, too.

“Everybody lies. Don’t believe what the media say. They all lie to make money. Daddy knows. He used to be on TV. He was great. At least Daddy has the guts to stand up to the liars and fight to get what we deserve. Maybe he hasn’t gotten it yet, but at least he’s trying. He’ll come through for us eventually. He has to, doesn’t he?”

Of course, there are 12-Step programs for people who grow up in this kind of ill-functioning, mis-functioning, dysfunctioning household with an unpredictable, abusive, addictive parent at the head. But one has to first admit there’s a problem before those programs can help. Then, one has to be willing to change -- to break the chains of denial and dependence on the parent and learn to live one’s own life. To be honest with oneself.

Rather than being the act of a fool, it takes a lot of courage to say, “Daddy’s an idiot and if I keep depending on him, excusing his behavior, I’m going to wind up an idiot, too. I have to face reality.” Sometimes, it take an intervention or a profound spiritual experience, a moment of clarity, for this to happen. Both have been known to work miracles and either one would be acceptable right now.

In the meantime, the key for the rest of the more-functional families in the neighborhood is to continue to recognize that the family down the block has an addictive idiot for a Daddy and that to try to tell them so is to invite insanity into your home.

bobgaydos.blogspot.com

How to survive family holiday gatherings

(My latest Addiction and Recovery column in the Times-Herald Record.)

By Bob Gaydos
Family get-togethers are popular during the holiday season, but they can be hazardous, even explosive, events when alcohol is involved, as is often the case. Sometimes, in the interests of self-preservation, it may well be best to avoid them.
Still, if one must attend, there are ways to survive a family gathering, for drinkers and non-drinkers alike. The definition of survival, of course, depends on the individual point of view. In some cases, not everyone will be happy with the end result, but if survival is the goal, minor disappointment should be a mere inconvenience.
A lot depends on the makeup of the gathering. There may be “problem” drinkers -- people with all the traits of active alcoholics and the denial to match. They’re the ones who make these occasions memorable for all the wrong reasons. There may be alcoholics in various stages of recovery, trying to have a good time without jeopardizing their sobriety. There may be well-meaning relatives who don’t understand recovery and who insist on encouraging the recovering alcoholic to “have just one.” There may be well-meaning relatives who want to protect the recovering alcoholic by protecting him or her from taking care of him or herself. And there may be people who try to protect the “problem” drinker from him or herself by closely monitoring behavior and the number of drinks -- usually a good way to start an argument.
Success in all these circumstances starts with expectations -- realistic ones. Expecting that things will be different than in the past just because you‘d like them to be is most likely not realistic.
Starting with the problem drinker, expectations of a certain type of behavior need to be spelled out in advance of the gathering, with clear boundaries spelled out. If he or she can’t live up to the ground rules and decides not to attend, that may be in the best interest of all concerned, even though it may be disappointing for some. It may be better to get together at another, less stressful, time. On the other hand, if the drinker is amenable to the ground rules, it may be a good time to get together quietly and discuss the problem. Whatever course of action is taken, it must start with realistic expectations.
For alcoholics in recovery, families often are tentative and over-protective, even to the point of not serving alcohol. This is unnecessary, unfair to other family members, and may even be self-defeating, putting a spotlight on the recovering alcoholic. The safer approach is to avoid serving foods cooked with alcohol (or letting the person in recovery know about them), serving festive, non-alcoholic drinks, not just soda and water, as alternatives to alcohol, and not making a big deal about his or her not drinking.
It is up to the recovering alcoholic to do the rest -- to come with tools to cope with any uncomfortability. That means non-alcoholic drinks, a sober friend, a car, a cell phone with numbers of sober friends, a pre-planned reason to leave early (before the alcohol takes effect on others), and a lack of guilt for using any of them. The person in recovery will also have to be prepared to deal with family members who are uncomfortable around him because he makes them think about their own drinking problem or others who may want to voice a grievance over past behavior by the recovering person. Again, being prepared with tools for an efficient getaway may be the best approach for the recovering alcoholic, especially one new to recovery.
By the way, these tools can also be used by non-drinkers who are not in recovery but can’t stand a house full of drunken relatives.
And finally, for the person in early recovery, the most realistic approach may be to avoid a family holiday gathering this year. There will be others and they will be more enjoyable with more recovery. In this case, it may be more important, and healthier, to spend time with sober friends and to focus on being grateful for the gift of sobriety.

  bobgaydos.blogspot.com