After Dry January, Dry February?

Addiction and Recovery

 By Bob Gaydos

   

 You hang around with an experienced group of people for any amount of time, with any luck, you learn a few things. 

     I’ve been writing a column on addiction and recovery for about 15 years. In that time, I have been fortunate to have many conversations with members of Alcoholics Anonymous who have decades of sobriety. They have freely shared some of their experience and wisdom with me.

      One bit of AA wisdom that I’ve thought about recently goes like this: “People who don’t have a drinking problem don’t have to control their drinking.”

       Hmmm. So why have my social media and news feeds been peppering me daily with stories on “Dry January”? Why the sudden interest in non-alcoholic beer and cocktails? What’s the big rush all of a sudden for, supposedly, thousands of people to decide to see if they can not partake of alcohol for the month of January? It’s suddenly chic?

   Alcoholics, or rather, those who insist they are not alcoholics, have been taking the post-holiday challenge forever in valiant efforts to prove to themselves and (mainly) others that they can control their drinking. Mostly, they’ve failed. Rehab February.

     But this is different, from what I read. This is people, many apparently younger people, supposedly deciding that it might be in their best interest to abstain from or at least reduce their alcohol intake, at least for the month.

     Given recent reports on an upsurge in alcohol consumption (particularly by women) during the pandemic, an increase in alcohol-related deaths and a myth-busting report which concludes that “no amount of alcohol” is ever good for your health, going dry or easing up on alcohol for a month sounds like a reasonable idea.

      But there are risks involved and if you’re intrigued by the idea of stopping or controlling your drinking there ought to be rules. For starters, what is your purpose? Is it, as previously mentioned, to prove you don’t have a drinking problem? If so, you need to tell other people what you’re doing so there is accountability and, crucially, protection, in case a serious alcohol problem does exist. 

  Going through withdrawal symptoms from avoiding alcohol on one’s own can be painful and dangerous. Be aware of the symptoms and get professional help if they begin. Your effort may have failed, but it might have saved your life.

     If, on the other hand, the purpose is truly to see if life can be just as interesting and fun without alcohol always being involved, again, don’t do it alone. Get some friends involved. Plan alcohol-free activities. Try some of those fancy new alcohol-free “mocktails” the Dry January movement has spawned. If you’re really serious, maybe focus more on exercise. Try to get more sleep. See if you start to feel better physically and emotionally.

     Drawing again on some AA wisdom, the key to succeeding, whatever your goal, is to be honest and realistic. Whether you’re trying to not drink for a specific month or just cut back, if you find yourself drinking or thinking you’d really like to be drinking in spite of your stated goal, by all means start over again. But be aware of any recurring pattern. There may be a problem.

      On a positive note, if Dry January results in a more responsible general approach to alcohol consumption (as brewers and distillers like to promote), it has to be good for society’s overall health. Alcohol consumption contributes to a multitude of health problems as well as highway and other accidents. It would also go along with the effort by health agencies and providers to remove the stigma and shame often attached to alcoholism by getting rid of the word “alcoholic,” which still conjures up negative images for many people. 

     Officially today, people are diagnosed with alcohol abuse disorder, mild, moderate or severe.

   According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, alcohol use disorder “is a medical condition characterized by an impaired ability to stop or control alcohol use despite adverse social, occupational, or health consequences.”

     That’s the “drinking and trouble” connection members of AA often talk about.

      On the basic issue of stopping drinking and trying to keep things simple, AA’s Third Tradition states simply that “the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.”

     Adding that touch of reality necessary to recovery, an AA friend asked, “Who would have a desire to stop drinking other than someone who drank too much and got in trouble over it?”

     With sincere hope for the success and good intentions of many a Dry Almost Over January, that’s a question to keep in mind for anyone planning on a dry February or Monday or maybe next Tuesday …

rjgaydos@gmail.com

'Daddy's an idiot, but we love him'

By Bob Gaydos

Donald Trump and his family.

“Daddy, to be honest, is an idiot. A lying SOB, too. A nasty drunk. As long as you praise him, he’s all smiles and charm. Disagree with him and he’s a bully, or worse. He likes to act like a big shot -- ‘I’m the smartest guy at the office ...,’ ‘the fastest runner …,’ ‘no one knows as much as me …’ ‘I really showed them …’ Yes, he’s somehow always late paying the bills, if he pays them at all, and he seems to owe a lot of people money. He’s not around much lately -- busy I guess -- but when he is he’s always telling us about how great it’s gonna be when we: a) get a bigger house; b) buy a new car; c) go on vacation; d) move away from this lousy neighborhood.

“We’re still waiting, but we know he’ll figure it out eventually because he’s Daddy and he said so. We love him.”

Welcome to another day in the life of a typical American family locked in the grip of massive dysfunction bordering on delusion. Actually, maybe they’ve already gone across the border.

Of course I’m talking about Trump. You know I’m talking about Trump. The only ones who don’t know I’m talking about Trump are members of the aforementioned family. The delusionals. They stuck with him before and they’re sticking with him now. He’s family. They’re stuck with each other. Hey, nobody’s perfect. “We gotta stick together or they’re gonna take away our jobs. Then our schools. Then our church. Then our kids. Then our guns. Then what’ll we do?”

“Don’t worry. Daddy will know.”

(But remember? Daddy’s an idiot.)

How do you survive in life when all your tools -- morals, knowledge, social skills, sense of self, pride, compassion, ethics, economics, tolerance, honor, curiosity, courage, ambition, faith -- have been conceived, nurtured and twisted in such a fashion that, although you know instinctively that up is not down, you agree with the head of the family anyway when he says otherwise and you defend him vigorously when others says he’s an idiot? To do otherwise, after all, is to admit your significant shortcomings in those areas and to invite the shame and ridicule you imagine you’ll receive for not recognizing reality. For not kicking Daddy out or leaving yourself.

That’s life with an abusive (often alcoholic) parent. Donald Trump’s America. The drug of choice in this case is applause, not alcohol, but the behavior is the same. Me, me, me. Predictably unpredictable. Trump’s diehard supporters are stuck with each other and with him -- one, big, dysfunctional family, lies and betrayals notwithstanding. Indeed, to question Daddy is disloyal, to leave, a betrayal. And where would you go anyway? It is, after all, a scary world out there. Daddy said so. Many times.

Breaking away from any such family is no easy task. It’s who you are, after all, isn’t it? You and your brothers and sisters and cousins and aunts and uncles and … Heck, it’s like daddy told you -- it’s your brand. “Us against the world.”

Breaking away from the family of Trump -- acknowledging that he is a fraud, rejecting the brand -- would take enormous courage. First of all, it would mean admitting you have been wrong all this time to have placed your trust in a man with no moral compass, no sense of duty, no trace of compassion for the less fortunate, no regard for the truth and a total lack of interest in anything that does not feed his ego. (Get him a beer!) To admit that, one would have to be a fool, right?

Secondly, it would mean learning an entirely new set of life skills and placing your trust in people who believe pretty much the opposite of everything Daddy has told you. Talk about scary. Besides, how can you be sure those people aren’t lying, too.

“Everybody lies. Don’t believe what the media say. They all lie to make money. Daddy knows. He used to be on TV. He was great. At least Daddy has the guts to stand up to the liars and fight to get what we deserve. Maybe he hasn’t gotten it yet, but at least he’s trying. He’ll come through for us eventually. He has to, doesn’t he?”

Of course, there are 12-Step programs for people who grow up in this kind of ill-functioning, mis-functioning, dysfunctioning household with an unpredictable, abusive, addictive parent at the head. But one has to first admit there’s a problem before those programs can help. Then, one has to be willing to change -- to break the chains of denial and dependence on the parent and learn to live one’s own life. To be honest with oneself.

Rather than being the act of a fool, it takes a lot of courage to say, “Daddy’s an idiot and if I keep depending on him, excusing his behavior, I’m going to wind up an idiot, too. I have to face reality.” Sometimes, it take an intervention or a profound spiritual experience, a moment of clarity, for this to happen. Both have been known to work miracles and either one would be acceptable right now.

In the meantime, the key for the rest of the more-functional families in the neighborhood is to continue to recognize that the family down the block has an addictive idiot for a Daddy and that to try to tell them so is to invite insanity into your home.

bobgaydos.blogspot.com

The alcoholic may be gone, but problems can persist

Addiction and Recovery

By Bob Gaydos

I recently closed a column on the effects of living with an alcoholic by noting, “It’s not just about the drinking.” In other words, contrary to what many people believe, removing active alcoholism from one’s life does not automatically remove all the effects of that alcoholism. Far from it.

In fact, many of those effects may become deep-seated, behavioral and psychological problems that follow the non-alcoholics into adulthood, They may be unaware of how the exposure to someone’s alcoholism in the past -- especially that of a parent or close relative -- is affecting their lives on a daily basis. Unaware of the root of the problems and unaware that they may be treatable, untold numbers of adults struggle with issues throughout their lives, figuring, in essence, that’s just who they are.

That’s true, but it’s not necessarily a life sentence. Change is possible. Awareness is the key.

That earlier column included a 20-question quiz offered by Al-Anon, outlining certain traits to help non-drinkers decide if they are carrying the effects of someone else’s alcoholism into adult life. These effects have been well-documented by researchers.

Common symptoms of children of alcoholics -- even as adults -- are low self-esteem, guilt, feelings of helplessness, loneliness and fears of abandonment, chronic depression, high levels of anxiety and stress and a feeling that they created whatever the problem is, so they have to fix it.

Perfectionism may become an issue. Some develop phobias. Trust can be a major problem. Intimacy can be threatening.

Adult Children of Alcoholics, which is not affiliated with Al-Anon, has what it calls The Laundry List, which contains 14 traits of the adult child of an alcoholic. The list is similar to Al-Anon’s 20 questions.

A couple of Items:

• Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
• Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

Again, many people struggle with these feelings and behaviors for much of their lives, blaming themselves for not being able to handle things in a more “grown-up” manner. They’re married, they have families, good jobs. They’re respected members of the community, serve on boards, volunteer for good causes.

Yet, inside, unseen, waiting to appear at the most unexpected moment, are behaviors learned many years ago as the result of living with active addiction. If healthy behaviors have not replaced the unhealthy ones learned in living with an active alcoholic, they can become deep-seated.

The good news is that people are capable of change. They can learn, adapt, grow, no matter what age and how long the effects of living with alcoholism have been ingrained in them. The process begins with honestly looking at one’s past and deciding whether or not someone else’s active addiction was a major part of it. Then comes looking at oneself honestly and seeing if any of the common traits associated with growing up with alcoholism are present.

Finally, comes the big decision -- whether or not one is willing to do what is necessary to change, to begin to escape the grips of being exposed to alcoholism. That can be done in a variety of ways.

Groups like Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics offer opportunities to learn that other people have struggled with and are still struggling with similar problems. You’re not the only one. Being anonymous, they offer a safe place to talk about one’s feelings and they offer ways to begin healing. They offer hope.

Private therapy with a professional trained in the effects of alcoholism is another way to begin the process of self-awareness. A combination of approaches may be useful. There’s no one correct way. The important thing is to begin.

*  *  *

More information

-- http://www.al-anon.alateen.org

-- http://www.adultchildren.org

bobgaydos.blogspot.com

So, you think you’re just a ‘heavy drinker’? Try this

My latest Addiction and Recovery column

By Bob Gaydos

“I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics have to go to those meetings. I’m just a heavy drinker.”
Maybe yes; maybe no. Either way, if you’re having this conversation with someone else, or just with yourself, it’s likely there are issues lurking that are related to your consumption of alcohol. As rules of thumb go, the one that says: “If drinking is causing problems in your life, it’s a problem,” is as reliable as it gets.
For those who describe themselves as “heavy drinkers,” it would probably be useful to know what health experts mean when they use the term, as well as possible risks involved in that pattern of behavior.
The Centers for Disease Control recently issued a report on heavy drinking which defined it as 15 or more drinks per week for men or eight or more drinks per week for women. That raised the limit by one drink per week in each case from standards issued by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. But, as some professionals in the field would say, if you’re counting drinks, there’s already a problem.
Of course, it’s important to know what is meant by a drink. A standard drink, according to the NIAAA is 1.5 ounces of hard liquor or brandy, 12 ounces of beer and five ounces of table wine. All alcohol has the same effect, regardless of the form. If your “standard” drink is larger, the total drink count will be higher. And, possibly, the risks.
It’s true, some people can drink more than others and not have problems as a result. It’s also true that at least 40 percent of Americans drink little or no alcohol at all. But for anyone describing himself or herself as a “heavy drinker,’’ the NIAAA says it matters how much you drink on any one day and how often you have heavy drinking days.
        Among those who have one heavy drinking day per month, the agency says one in five, or 20 percent, already have alcoholism or alcohol abuse. One heavy drinking day per week raises the odds to one in three. Two or more heavy drinking days per week, makes it 50 percent, according to the NIAAA.
        And so what? says the “heavy drinker.” I have a job. My family loves me. I’m young. Alcohol is good for the heart. I get good grades. I don’t drink any more than my friends do. If it becomes a problem, I’ll cut back.
        Again, maybe so. But also again, it’s good to know the risks involved with heavy drinking. There’s nothing new here. Heavy drinking increases the chances of being injured or killed in auto accidents, fires, drownings, or being the victim of an assault or suicide. It poses greater risk of liver disease, heart disease, depression, stroke, sexually transmitted diseases and more. It can pose a risk to the baby if a woman drinks during pregnancy and, just as with alcoholism, alcohol abuse -- or heavy drinking -- can cause legal problems, trouble in relationships and failure to meet responsibilities at work, school, home, etc.
        If you’re serious about wanting to know if you’re just a heavy drinker -- someone who can successfully manage his or her alcohol intake and even curtail it -- rather than someone who “needs to go to those meetings,” the NIAAA offers a test, as it were.
       For one week, with dinner, have one standard drink of wine or beer. Or if you prefer, one standard drink of hard liquor or brandy before dinner. That’s it. Nothing else. No changing drinks from day to day. The NIAAA says people who can take it or leave will have no problem. Alcoholics flunk.
       As always, the idea is not to judge or condemn, but rather to take an honest look at one’s drinking in the hope of avoiding or eliminating problems that can arise from the abuse of alcohol. A heavy dose of honesty can be the best medicine when substance abuse is in question.

rjgaydos@gmail.com
 

Growing up in an alcoholic home leaves unseen scars

By Bob Gaydos

(My latest Addiction and Recovery column.)
       In writing about alcoholism, this column usually focuses on the person most directly affected by the disease -- the alcoholic. But the impact of alcoholism is felt by every person with whom the alcoholic comes into contact and that begins with the immediate family. In fact, some of the persons most seriously affected by the disease of alcoholism are children who grow up in an alcoholic household. Indeed, these households give a whole new meaning and depth to the term “dysfunctional.”
Growing up in a family with one parent who is an alcoholic and the other struggling to maintain some sense of order, if not sanity, can leave scars that last well into adulthood. Worse, the children who grow up in such households may not realize how ill-prepared they are to deal with life. And that’s whether they become alcoholics themselves or not.
Often, the non-alcoholic parent tries to shield children from the truth, as if they cannot see and hear what is going on every day in their home.  Much better, experts say, to be as honest as  possible with them, explaining the disease as an allergy to alcohol, that the drinking parent is sick and, most importantly, that the children -- who may feel violent effects of the alcoholic’s drinking -- are not at fault. Sometimes, the non-alcoholic parent is so consumed with trying to control the alcoholic, that the children become an after-thought, even neglected.
Either way, the emotional support and daily guidance needed to help young people make their way through an adult world later on is often missing. This lack of early guidance can show up in many ways as the children of such marriages, modeling their behavior on what they grew up with at home, find themselves unsure and unable to deal with life as it comes along -- and find themselves at a loss as to why.
As mentioned here before, the Al-Anon Family Groups, which includes Alateen for young people, is uniquely designed to help those who are living with an active alcoholic. This is not just the spouse of an alcoholic, but the entire family. For the non-alcoholic spouse, learning to separate the drinking spouse from the disease and recognizing that alcoholism has impacted you as well is the beginning of a long recovery process that can lead to a healthier, more well-adjusted life.
So, too, for the children. But it is important for the children of such households to keep tabs as adults on how they treat their own children. Do they mimic what they grew up with or do they use healthier, more balanced approaches? To this end, an Al-Anon booklet -- “How Can I help My Children?” -- offers a checklist for parents. In truth, it’s one that should prove useful to all parents, of any background:

• Do I think of my children as people who a right to my respect?
• Do I make them feel stupid, inadequate or bad?
• Do I humiliate them in front of others? Or do I correct them privately, allowing them to maintain their dignity?
• Am I courteous to my child?
• Do I habitually yell? Threaten? Nag?
• How do I correct my children? Do I attack their character, call them names? Lose my self-control? Hit them? Make sarcastic remarks? Ridicule them?
• Do I jump to conclusions, expecting the worst, or do I give the a chance to tell their side?
• Do I make a big issue over small things?
• Do I let them know they are important?
• Do I apologize when I am wrong?
• Do I set limits on behavior and enforce them?
• Do I show my children affection and tell them I love them?

For a list of Al-anon and Alateen meetings in the area, go to:
     http://www.al-anonny.org/images/Orange_County_Meeting_List_Jan_2012_B.pdf

bobgaydos.blogspot.com
   

Are you an alcoholic? This test will help you decide

(My latest Addiction and Recovery column in the Times-Herald Record.)


By Bob Gaydos

Nearly seven decades ago, Marty Mann, one of the earliest members of Alcoholics Anonymous (her sponsor was AA co-founder Bill Wilson), decided she wanted to spread the message of recovery and educate the public about the disease of alcoholism. That work is still going on via her creation, the National Council on Alcohol and Drug Dependence, a voluntary health organization with a nationwide network that provides information on prevention, awareness and treatment of alcoholism and drug addiction.
Every April for 26 years, NCADD has observed Alcohol Awareness Month, with the goal of removing the stigma attached to alcoholism by educating a public still too unaware of the serious costs to individuals and society of alcoholism, as well as the fact that treatment is available and recovery possible. Of course, the process has to start with acknowledgment that alcoholism may be present.
With that in mind, I occasionally offer a list of questions designed to help individuals decide if they, or someone they know, may be an alcoholic. If that is the case, recognition of the problem may well be the first flicker of hope, rather than the beacon of doom many people consider it to be. Following are questions from the NCADD Self-Test. Be honest.

What are the Signs of Alcoholism?
1.  Do you drink heavily when you are disappointed, under pressure or have had a quarrel with someone? Yes   No
2.  Can you handle more alcohol now than when you first started to drink? Yes   No
3.  Have you ever been unable to remember part of the previous evening, even though your friends say you didn’t pass out? Yes   No
4.  When drinking with other people, do you try to have a few extra drinks when others won’t know about it?  Yes   No
5.  Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable if alcohol is not available? Yes No
6.  Are you more in a hurry to get your first drink of the day than you used to be? Yes  No
7.  Do you sometimes feel a little guilty about your drinking? Yes  No
8.  Has a family member or close friend express concern or complained about your drinking? Yes   No
9.  Have you been having more memory “blackouts” recently? Yes   No
10.  Do you often want to continue drinking after your friends say they’ve had enough?  Yes   No
11.  Do you usually have a reason for the occasions when you drink heavily? Yes   No
12.  When you’re sober, do you sometimes regret things you did or said while drinking? Yes   No
13.  Have you tried switching brands or drinks, or following different plans to control your drinking?  Yes   No
14.  Have you sometimes failed to keep promises you made to yourself about controlling or cutting down on your drinking? Yes   No
15.  Have you ever had a DWI (driving while intoxicated) or DUI (driving under the influence of alcohol) violation, or any other legal problem related to your drinking?   Yes   No
16.  Do you try to avoid family or close friends while you are drinking?      Yes   No
17.  Are you having more financial, work, school, and/or family problems as a result of your drinking?   Yes   No
18.  Has your physician ever advised you to cut down on your drinking?  Yes   No
19.  Do you eat very little or irregularly during the periods when you are drinking? Yes   No
20.  Do you sometimes have the “shakes” in the morning and find that it helps to have a “little” drink, tranquilizer or medication of some kind?     Yes   No
21.  Have you recently noticed that you can’t drink as much as you used to?   Yes   No
22.  Do you sometimes stay drunk for several days at a time? Yes   No
23.  After periods of drinking do you sometimes see or hear things that aren’t there? Yes   No
24.  Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking? Yes  No
25.  Do you ever feel depressed or anxious before, during or after periods of heavy drinking? Yes   No
26.  Have any of your blood relatives ever had a problem with alcohol?    Yes   No

OK, here’s how to score the test. According to the NCADD, if you answered two or more questions with a “yes,” you should consider having your drinking assessed by a professional. If you have five to eight “yes” answers, you could have a serious problem with alcohol. This test does not apply to drug use. The test and others, as well as information on substance abuse can be found on the NCADD web site: ncadd.org.

bobgaydos.blogspot.com

How to survive family holiday gatherings

(My latest Addiction and Recovery column in the Times-Herald Record.)

By Bob Gaydos
Family get-togethers are popular during the holiday season, but they can be hazardous, even explosive, events when alcohol is involved, as is often the case. Sometimes, in the interests of self-preservation, it may well be best to avoid them.
Still, if one must attend, there are ways to survive a family gathering, for drinkers and non-drinkers alike. The definition of survival, of course, depends on the individual point of view. In some cases, not everyone will be happy with the end result, but if survival is the goal, minor disappointment should be a mere inconvenience.
A lot depends on the makeup of the gathering. There may be “problem” drinkers -- people with all the traits of active alcoholics and the denial to match. They’re the ones who make these occasions memorable for all the wrong reasons. There may be alcoholics in various stages of recovery, trying to have a good time without jeopardizing their sobriety. There may be well-meaning relatives who don’t understand recovery and who insist on encouraging the recovering alcoholic to “have just one.” There may be well-meaning relatives who want to protect the recovering alcoholic by protecting him or her from taking care of him or herself. And there may be people who try to protect the “problem” drinker from him or herself by closely monitoring behavior and the number of drinks -- usually a good way to start an argument.
Success in all these circumstances starts with expectations -- realistic ones. Expecting that things will be different than in the past just because you‘d like them to be is most likely not realistic.
Starting with the problem drinker, expectations of a certain type of behavior need to be spelled out in advance of the gathering, with clear boundaries spelled out. If he or she can’t live up to the ground rules and decides not to attend, that may be in the best interest of all concerned, even though it may be disappointing for some. It may be better to get together at another, less stressful, time. On the other hand, if the drinker is amenable to the ground rules, it may be a good time to get together quietly and discuss the problem. Whatever course of action is taken, it must start with realistic expectations.
For alcoholics in recovery, families often are tentative and over-protective, even to the point of not serving alcohol. This is unnecessary, unfair to other family members, and may even be self-defeating, putting a spotlight on the recovering alcoholic. The safer approach is to avoid serving foods cooked with alcohol (or letting the person in recovery know about them), serving festive, non-alcoholic drinks, not just soda and water, as alternatives to alcohol, and not making a big deal about his or her not drinking.
It is up to the recovering alcoholic to do the rest -- to come with tools to cope with any uncomfortability. That means non-alcoholic drinks, a sober friend, a car, a cell phone with numbers of sober friends, a pre-planned reason to leave early (before the alcohol takes effect on others), and a lack of guilt for using any of them. The person in recovery will also have to be prepared to deal with family members who are uncomfortable around him because he makes them think about their own drinking problem or others who may want to voice a grievance over past behavior by the recovering person. Again, being prepared with tools for an efficient getaway may be the best approach for the recovering alcoholic, especially one new to recovery.
By the way, these tools can also be used by non-drinkers who are not in recovery but can’t stand a house full of drunken relatives.
And finally, for the person in early recovery, the most realistic approach may be to avoid a family holiday gathering this year. There will be others and they will be more enjoyable with more recovery. In this case, it may be more important, and healthier, to spend time with sober friends and to focus on being grateful for the gift of sobriety.

  bobgaydos.blogspot.com

Al-Anon can be a life-saver for alcoholics' loved ones

(My Addiction and Recovery column from the Times Herald-Record, Oct. 30.)
By Bob Gaydos

“For 49 years, I thought I knew what alcoholism was. When I finally found my way into the doors of Al-Anon, I quickly discovered I was mistaken about everything I ever thought I knew about alcoholism.”
The speaker, “J,” an Al-Anon member from the mid-Hudson, is not unique. In fact, pretty much the norm. Or used to be. For the past four years, J. has been getting a detailed and continuing education in what alcoholism is and, more importantly, how people live with active alcoholics in their lives, or their past. It has been a life changer for J. and millions of other men and women who have discovered the companion 12-step group to Alcoholics Anonymous.
“It seems to me,” J. says, “that people with long-term recovery in A.A. operate on a different level from others.  They’re calmer, wiser.  It’s like they have a college degree in dealing with life.  Al-Anon is like a Ph. D.”
  That assessment is shared by many others. Unfortunately, especially given the extent of the damage it causes, there remains an appalling lack of awareness or understanding of the disease of alcoholism in society. But there is even less understanding of the damage the disease visits on people who live with and love alcoholics, and too little awareness of the help available to them from groups like Al-Anon. That’s because the focus is pretty much always on the alcoholic, the one making all the trouble, the one with the problem. The one with the disease.
In  Al-Anon, new members learn -- or at least hear -- crucial lessons early on: They cannot control the behavior of the alcoholic in their lives. Step One. They are not responsible for the behavior of alcoholics who used to be in their lives. They, too, suffered from significant emotional ills as a result of living with an active alcoholic. The best thing -- perhaps even the only thing at the time -- is for them to focus on getting themselves healthy and then learning about the disease of alcoholism and how to co-exist with it. Or not.
People usually come to Al-Anon in despair, full of fear. They can’t figure out how to get the alcoholic to stop drinking. He or she won’t even admit to being an alcoholic even though all the signs are there. He’s throwing our money away. She’s ignoring the kids. He’s so selfish, so angry, so cruel, etc.
 What members say they find quickly is hope. Other members tell of their experiences with alcoholics, what they did about it and what their lives are like now. The message is clear: If you focus on dealing with your own illness -- alcoholism is truly a family disease -- you will get healthier, learn to make healthy choices for yourself, feel better about yourself and be able to lead a healthier life, even if the alcoholic keeps drinking. Don’t worry; we have tools you can use to do this. Believe that it worked for us and that it can work for you. Not overnight, but if you follow the suggestions to the best of your ability, you will get better a day at a time.

Like J., most Al-Anon members with a bit of time to practice what they have learned, swear by the approach. They may still try, in different ways from before, to help the alcoholic to find help, but if they have followed the suggested 12 steps, they focus on living healthier lives themselves, more confident and less fearful, more hopeful than shame-filled, in charge of their lives and no one else’s.

For a listing of Al-Anon meetings in the area, phone numbers and addresses, and more information about Al-Anon, go to www.al-anonny.org. You can also call: 1-888-425-2666.

*  *  *

Al-Anon has many pamphlets with useful information. Following are a few questions from a pamphlet aimed at those who grew up with a problem drinker:`Do you constantly seek approval and affirmation?

• Do you fear criticism?
• Do you have a need for perfection?
• Do you care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for yourself?
• Do you isolate yourself from other people?
• Do you have trouble with intimate relationships?
• Do you attract and/or seek people who tend to be compulsive and/or abusive?
• Do you often mistrust your own feelings and the feelings expressed by others?
• Do you think parental drinking may have affected you?

        A few yes answers may mean that Al-Anon can help.

Hey, look: Marijuana, LSD, booze and sex

By Bob Gaydos

As Mitt Romney “root canals his way to the Republican nomination,” in the words of Time’s Joe Klein, I find it refreshing to look at some off-beat news stories that have nothing (so far as I can tell) to do with politics:

“LSD may help alcoholics stay off booze”

My immediate reaction to this headline I spotted on the web was, “No kidding.” Then it was, “Are you kidding me?” Followed by, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

It seems a couple of PhD’s from Harvard and the Norwegian University of Science went through data from old research on whether LSD could be effective in combating alcoholism and published an article in the Journal of Psychopharmacology saying, in essence, maybe. They said alcoholics given regular treatments of LSD were less likely to drink than those not given the hallucinogen, but the results seemed to be good for only three months. They suggested exploring weekly or monthly LSD treatments to counter this.

The story on the study noted that the reported success may have to do with the fact that LSD changes perception, with some patients saying they “felt they were given a new lease on life” and resolving not to drink. That’s what traditional recovery programs work for without the use of drugs.

The two authors of the scientific article wrote, “It is puzzling why this treatment approach has been largely overlooked.”

Geez, I don’t know. I’m not a PhD or anything, but maybe it has to do with the fact that when alcoholics drink to avoid the troubles of this world, they don’t want to be transported to a make-believe universe in order to escape. Or maybe that some people don’t think being on a steady LSD trip is a suitable alternative to addiction.

But hey, if you’re hung up on using LSD because of all that bad press it got years ago, the authors say other psychedelics might also work. They suggested mescaline, for one. No one noted whether any of the data was from personal experience.

Pat Robertson says marijuana should be legalized

This story struck my fancy not so much for the message as the messenger. Pat Robertson? Really?

Really.

The 81-year-old religious broadcaster (photo), founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network, evangelical host of “The 700 Club,” said on his TV show recently: “I just think it’s shocking how many of these young people wind up in prison and they get turned into hardcore criminals because they had a possession of a very small amount of a controlled substance. The whole thing is crazy. We’ve said, ‘Well, we’re conservatives, we’re tough on crime.’ That’s baloney.”

He also told The New York Times, “I really believe we should treat marijuana the way we treat beverage alcohol. If people can go into a liquor store and buy a bottle of alcohol and drink it at home legally, then why do we say that the use of this other substance is somehow criminal?”

Robertson said he’s never used marijuana and won’t crusade for legalization, but thinks the nation’s “war on drugs” has been a huge failure, costing taxpayers billons of dollars.

There has not been any rush to follow Robertson from other conservative political or religious groups, but he does have a sizable, loyal following, so he could influence future discussion on legalization of pot

Personally, I think Robertson on many occasions has been loopy. He seems stone cold sober on this one.

$2 million bail set for ’Madam Mom’

Wow, a real juicy sex story right here in the Hudson Valley. Anna Gristina, 44, of Monroe, was charged with one -- note than, one -- count of prostitution for allegedly running a high-end call-girl business on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. This has weird written all over it.

Start with the fact that Manhattan prosecutors appear to have come after the mother of four because she allegedly bragged, while under secret surveillance, of having police and wealthy clients protecting her and subsequently refused to give those name to prosecutors. They filed the one charge against her and a judge set $2 million bail, apparently assuming she had millions squirreled away to help her flee, even though he assigned her a court-appointed lawyer because she is indigent.

It goes on. Her real lawyer, who handles what he and she say are legitimate business dealings, offered to put up his $2.5 million Manhattan condo for her bail, because he says she’s penniless. She also apparently rescues pigs, who roam her Monroe property.

Now, somewhere buried in all this, I assume, is evidence of someone being hurt by something she has done, but I’m not finding it. If she indeed is running a call-girl business, matching willing females with willing and wealthy clients, she would be an entrepreneur in Nevada. You know, state’s rights and all that. This is not a sex slave ring story. Yes, Uncle Sam might want his cut of the action and, I would assume, if her alleged business were legal in New York, Gristina would pay her taxes or face the penalty. It’s only tax evasion now, if true, because a crime is alleged. A victimless crime. And because the prosecutors didn’t get to parade some big shots before the cameras.

Keep your nose out of our business

One for our fans of foreign news. In Egypt, al Nour, a conservative Islamist political party, expelled its parliamentarian, Anwar el-Balkimy, because he’d had a nose job. Some party members saw this as a sinful act. And you thought running against Rick Santorum was tough.

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Comments on any of these stories are welcome and encouraged.