'Daddy's an idiot, but we love him'

By Bob Gaydos

Donald Trump and his family.

“Daddy, to be honest, is an idiot. A lying SOB, too. A nasty drunk. As long as you praise him, he’s all smiles and charm. Disagree with him and he’s a bully, or worse. He likes to act like a big shot -- ‘I’m the smartest guy at the office ...,’ ‘the fastest runner …,’ ‘no one knows as much as me …’ ‘I really showed them …’ Yes, he’s somehow always late paying the bills, if he pays them at all, and he seems to owe a lot of people money. He’s not around much lately -- busy I guess -- but when he is he’s always telling us about how great it’s gonna be when we: a) get a bigger house; b) buy a new car; c) go on vacation; d) move away from this lousy neighborhood.

“We’re still waiting, but we know he’ll figure it out eventually because he’s Daddy and he said so. We love him.”

Welcome to another day in the life of a typical American family locked in the grip of massive dysfunction bordering on delusion. Actually, maybe they’ve already gone across the border.

Of course I’m talking about Trump. You know I’m talking about Trump. The only ones who don’t know I’m talking about Trump are members of the aforementioned family. The delusionals. They stuck with him before and they’re sticking with him now. He’s family. They’re stuck with each other. Hey, nobody’s perfect. “We gotta stick together or they’re gonna take away our jobs. Then our schools. Then our church. Then our kids. Then our guns. Then what’ll we do?”

“Don’t worry. Daddy will know.”

(But remember? Daddy’s an idiot.)

How do you survive in life when all your tools -- morals, knowledge, social skills, sense of self, pride, compassion, ethics, economics, tolerance, honor, curiosity, courage, ambition, faith -- have been conceived, nurtured and twisted in such a fashion that, although you know instinctively that up is not down, you agree with the head of the family anyway when he says otherwise and you defend him vigorously when others says he’s an idiot? To do otherwise, after all, is to admit your significant shortcomings in those areas and to invite the shame and ridicule you imagine you’ll receive for not recognizing reality. For not kicking Daddy out or leaving yourself.

That’s life with an abusive (often alcoholic) parent. Donald Trump’s America. The drug of choice in this case is applause, not alcohol, but the behavior is the same. Me, me, me. Predictably unpredictable. Trump’s diehard supporters are stuck with each other and with him -- one, big, dysfunctional family, lies and betrayals notwithstanding. Indeed, to question Daddy is disloyal, to leave, a betrayal. And where would you go anyway? It is, after all, a scary world out there. Daddy said so. Many times.

Breaking away from any such family is no easy task. It’s who you are, after all, isn’t it? You and your brothers and sisters and cousins and aunts and uncles and … Heck, it’s like daddy told you -- it’s your brand. “Us against the world.”

Breaking away from the family of Trump -- acknowledging that he is a fraud, rejecting the brand -- would take enormous courage. First of all, it would mean admitting you have been wrong all this time to have placed your trust in a man with no moral compass, no sense of duty, no trace of compassion for the less fortunate, no regard for the truth and a total lack of interest in anything that does not feed his ego. (Get him a beer!) To admit that, one would have to be a fool, right?

Secondly, it would mean learning an entirely new set of life skills and placing your trust in people who believe pretty much the opposite of everything Daddy has told you. Talk about scary. Besides, how can you be sure those people aren’t lying, too.

“Everybody lies. Don’t believe what the media say. They all lie to make money. Daddy knows. He used to be on TV. He was great. At least Daddy has the guts to stand up to the liars and fight to get what we deserve. Maybe he hasn’t gotten it yet, but at least he’s trying. He’ll come through for us eventually. He has to, doesn’t he?”

Of course, there are 12-Step programs for people who grow up in this kind of ill-functioning, mis-functioning, dysfunctioning household with an unpredictable, abusive, addictive parent at the head. But one has to first admit there’s a problem before those programs can help. Then, one has to be willing to change -- to break the chains of denial and dependence on the parent and learn to live one’s own life. To be honest with oneself.

Rather than being the act of a fool, it takes a lot of courage to say, “Daddy’s an idiot and if I keep depending on him, excusing his behavior, I’m going to wind up an idiot, too. I have to face reality.” Sometimes, it take an intervention or a profound spiritual experience, a moment of clarity, for this to happen. Both have been known to work miracles and either one would be acceptable right now.

In the meantime, the key for the rest of the more-functional families in the neighborhood is to continue to recognize that the family down the block has an addictive idiot for a Daddy and that to try to tell them so is to invite insanity into your home.

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Has a problem drinker affected your life?

My latest Addiction and Recovery column

By Bob Gaydos

There’s a one-page, two-sided flyer published by Al-Anon Family Groups that poses a question which should give pause to millions of people.

The question: “Did you grow up with a problem drinker?”

The answer is important and shouldn’t be arrived at hastily because the effects of someone else’s drinking -- a parent or other close relative, for example -- can cause numerous problems for the non-drinker. And not all of them are obvious. Furthermore, the problems can be aggravated if their cause goes undetected.

The flyer states, “Many adults question whether they have been affected by alcoholism.” That means someone else’s alcoholism. To help answer that question, Al-Anon offers 20 questions. They are worth serious attention by anyone of any age who thinks the situation may apply to him or her.

The questions:

1. Do you constantly seek approval and affirmation?
2. Do you fail to recognize your accomplishments?
3. Do you fear criticism?
4. Do you overextend yourself?
5. Have you had problems with your own compulsive behavior?
6. Do you have a need for perfection?
7. Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems?
8. Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
9. Do you still feel responsible for others, as you did for the problem drinker in your life?
10. Do you care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for yourself?
11. Do you isolate yourself from other people?
12. Do you respond with anxiety to authority figures and angry people?
13. Do you feel that individuals and society in general are taking advantage of you?
14. Do you have trouble with intimate relationships?
15. Do you confuse pity with love, as you did with the problem drinker?
16. Do you attract and seek people who tend to be compulsive?
17. Do you cling to relationships because you are afraid of being alone?
18. Do you often mistrust your own feelings and the feelings expressed by others?
19. Do you find it difficult to express your emotions?
20. Do you think parental drinking may have affected you?

Alcoholism is referred to as a family disease for good reason. The effects of someone’s problem drinking can be felt for generations. Parents who do not have a problem with drinking may have had parents who did. As a result, unhealthy behaviors are learned and passed on, often with no recognition that someone’s alcoholism may have spawned them.

If you answered yes to any of the questions, Al-Anon may be able to help you. That’s because its members have experienced many of the same problems and learned healthier ways of dealing with life. If you are an adult who doesn’t drink and doesn’t have a problem drinker in your life today, yet you answered yes to any of the above questions, it’s worth reviewing: Were there any problem drinkers in your life in the past? Did you grow up with a problem drinker?

Al-Anon’s 12-step program -- adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous -- puts the emphasis on looking at one’s own actions, as opposed to being focused on the drinker’s. This helps develop an awareness of one’s own behavioral and emotional problems, which can persist whether there’s an active alcoholic in one’s life or not. This awareness, in turn, can help start the healing process from those previously unrecognized effects of living with the disease of alcoholism. 

It’s not just about the drinking. Future columns will deal with this issue in more detail.
                                       *  *  *
More information
-- http://www.al-anonny.org
-- http://www.al-anon.alateen.org

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Bill and Lois ... nothing more need be said

(My latest Addiction and Recovery column.)

By Bob Gaydos

Stepping Stones, the home of Bill and Lois Wilson,
 in Katonah. IR Photography.

Bill and Lois. Mention those names to members of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-. Anon and nothing more need be said. They are the founders, the driving forces behind the 12-step programs that have helped so many people to recover from alcoholism.
Wilson is their last name, but he is best known as Bill W. and she as just Lois, perhaps the only woman in the world who could have lived with him during years of alcoholic behavior and stuck with him through the ensuing years of the creation and growth of AA into a worldwide program of recovery. At Bill’s urging, Lois later organized what was a loose collection of groups of people struggling with the effects of  others’ alcoholism into what today is the worldwide Al-Anon Family Groups.
As partnerships go, theirs succeeded beyond what any conventional wisdom might have predicted. And while it’s true that there are no gurus in the AA model of recovery, make no mistake about it, Bill and Lois are special people to those who seek help from the two programs. Together, they lived through the pain of alcoholism and created the mold millions have adopted for escaping its grip.
One of the ways in which that special regard is demonstrated is the thousands of visitors yearly to Stepping Stones, the Wilsons’ home in Katonah, in Westchester County. The large, comfortable home and well-kept gardens that occupy eight acres exude the peace and serenity to which members of AA and Al-Anon aspire.
Not that it was always so. When Bill and Lois first moved to Katonah from 182 Clinton St. in Brooklyn, their new home (they moved 51 times) became the destination of choice for people desperate for an answer to their drinking problem. There was seemingly always someone (or more than one) being 12-stepped by Bill in the living room (Bill kept alcohol on hand for those who needed detoxing), or just having impromptu AA meetings. The coffee pot in the small kitchen was meant for large gatherings. As Joe D., a 29-years-sober guide at Stepping Stones, puts it, “We think of Clinton Street and Stepping Stones as the first rehabs.”
The house also had the feel of a hotel, since AA friends were always on hand, helping to produce literature to spread the word on the recovery program or to sit and listen to Lois play the piano while Bill played the fiddle. On occasion, friends would join them in the “ghost room” where the ouija board was located.
It got so busy in Katonah that Bill eventually had a writing studio built up the hill from the bustling house so he could get some quiet to write “Alcoholics Anonymous,” better known as “the Big Book,” and other books detailing the AA path to sobriety.
The home and studio are part of a 90-minute tour given Monday to Saturday at 1 p.m. The tour is informative, but can’t possibly encompass the magnitude of the writings, photos, letters, books, art work, gifts, newspaper articles and personal mementos that Lois kept and organized. “Lois saved everything but Bill’s clothes,” Joe says. The Stepping Stones Foundation has archived all of this and now presents it at the national historic site as a history of the lives of Bill, Lois, AA and Al-Anon. Visitors are free to peruse the collection as it suits their curiosity. Return visits are not uncommon.
On a recent week day, a couple from Brooklyn took the tour. Kate, three years sober, said, “It’s amazing to be up here,“ She was impressed with how “selfless’’ Bill and Lois were and “how much of their lives they dedicated to helping others get sober.”
Her companion, Tim, 28 months sober, said there were a couple of things they could have done that day, but he was glad they chose to visit Stepping Stones, among other reasons because he learned that “Lois was a major person” in the history of AA as well as Al-Anon.
Another visitor, M., from Sullivan County, with four-plus years in Al-Anon, said, “I came to see Lois’ legacy because she’s basically my hero. Notwithstanding the fullness and complexity of her own life, it was enlightening to discover how much of herself was consumed by standing in the way of Bill and his next drink.” Of  Stepping Stones, M. said, “It’s nothing short of magnificent the way it has been preserved.”
That’s true. And it’s more than just a home that has been preserved. It’s an idea, a legacy, a way of life, a unique pairing that brought hope to millions of people and, indeed, changed history in the process. All of that is what keeps people coming to Stepping Stones.

If you go …

A Bill and Lois commemorative coin, available in the gift shop.
                                                                            IR Photography

Stepping Stones is located at 62 Oak Road, Katonah. It is open Monday through Saturday, from noon to 3 p.m. Tours lasting roughly 90 minutes start shortly after 1 p.m. and it is suggested that you call ahead or e-mail to reserve a spot.
 The buildings are air-conditioned. There is a small gift shop. A donation of at least $10 per person is suggested.
 The phone number is (914) 234-4822; e-mail: info@steppingstones.org. For more information on the site, including directions, the web site is www.steppingstones.org.